A truth about Fathers Day (for all those who have survived) ~ a #poem (attention might trigger)

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August 2016

I know we are nowhere near a father’s day no matter if in the UK or Germany. These holidays have a tendency to be at different times which still confuses me even after 9 years in the country.

But that is not my problem. My problem is that I grew up with a father who did not have or chose not to have a look at the scars given him as a child and with that continued the vicious circle of violence against children.

Father’s day always makes me sad because I have no chance to celebrate my father. He has done nice things for my brother and me like teaching us his love for books, building a pool and a huge dolls house.

But that doesn’t make the feeling that we have not been loved but only used for his needs go away and it is hard to accept the fact that your own father wasn’t able to protect and love you the way you deserved as a child.

This is just one truth about father’s day and it needed me a while to realise that not all fathers are like that.

A Truth about Father’s Day

And they told their fathers:

Without you
I might
know what
trust is.

Without you
I might
know what
love is.

Without you
I might
know what
self-esteem is.

BUT

with you
I know
what
strength is.

With you
I know
what
courage is.

With you
I know
what
hope is.

You do not
deserve
my love!

inspired by the tweets of @psychotherapi
and unfortunately, it could also be called “Mothers Day”!

 

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Interview: The Bee talks with dalecooper57…

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Thanks Dale for taking part. It is a great honour to have you in the series. And no, you do not ramble🙂

Diary of an Internet Nobody.

​A few weeks ago I was honoured to be invited to take part in an interview with Bee Halton,as part of herThe Bee talks with…feature.

Well, I’m only now getting around to answering Bee’s questions and today you can discover what information she managed to wheedle out of me.
The questions all seem quite straightforward but, given my tendency to ramble, it’s anyone’s guess how long this will take, so I’d better get on with it…

1) How would you describe yourself in one paragraph?

This is the sort of question that makes me wonder how honest we are about ourselves, because I immediately think of the way I am described by the people who know me; loud, verbose, opinionated, arrogant, immodest, sarcastic, the (not always complimentary) list goes on… At least that was generally the case, before I began writing Diary of an Internet Nobody

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#Poem at night: For Virginia, Sylvia and Janis

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August 2016

Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath and Janis Joplin have always fascinated me. All three of them were great artists but at the same time had to live mental health conditions that must have been excruciating.

I adore the work of all three women and am so sad that life had become so hard for them that they were not able to go on. I’ve come close to this several times in my life but thank goodness not lately.

I know the desperation, pain and hopelessness of those moments when life seems unbearable but I believe that is one reason why they were able to create great art: because they were blessed (or cursed) with sensitivity and a clear mind that were not able to live in the illusions most of us create to bear the unbearable.

This poem is dedicated to them and their life’s work:

For Virginia, Sylvia and Janis

my lost souls
share your
bitter tears

my lost souls
share your
crippling pain

my lost souls
share your
life supporting creativity

maybe

my lost souls

do not
have to

share your
tragic end

 

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to gentle men ~ a #poem

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August 2016

When I wrote this poem I thought about my husband but also about all those men today who do not feel they have to be those aggressive, patronising, testosterone driven bullies like some people think men should be. Gentlemen maybe in the old-fashioned way but also in a new way.

Men who allow themselves to be nurturing and gentle but are also able to stand up for themselves and others. This poem is dedicated to them.

to gentle men

your smile
heals my
wounded soul

your strength
cares gently
for my heart

yours shall be
the world!

Mindful Monday ~ Balance

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Mindful Monday
Mindful Monday

Welcome to Mindful Monday a blogging event that has been created by Colleen over at Silverthreading but for a while is hosted here at “Just Fooling Around With Bee or The Bee Writes”.

Colleen follows her call to tell the fairies stories, so her blog follows other paths.

Therefore, I have stepped in as I believe Mindful Monday is important, and it is important to have it as a weekly feature.

Thanks Colleen for letting me be the host for the time being!

Mindful Monday is a blog feature to support each other on our mindful and healthy journeys. It is not a challenge but a community of bloggers who post insightful posts on Mondays which make us think, change and hopefully act too.

Please feel free to leave your link to your Mindful Monday post in the comments, so the Mindful Monday community has the chance to head over to your place and give and get support.

010316_2004_mindfulmond12

Yesterday I lost my balance. For weeks now I have been a rock in the sea of madness that work has been but yesterday I lost it. Not in an extreme way but I just could not get back into balance and calmness. Thank goodness I worked more hours yesterday so I could just leave when it got too much and prevent worse.

I have done everything in terms of self-care that I know does help. I used the tools learned in therapy throughout the day but it just didn’t work. That’s how it is sometimes.

I have to accept the fact that life sometimes throws lemons at me and I can’t make lemonade out of it. Never mind. I went home vent my frustration at my husband who just took me in his arms and I let it go.

And instead of panicking and thinking all is lost I kept pondering what I need now to get back into balance. This morning, well, it’s rather night still when I write this, I used a mix of rosemary, ylang-ylang and vetiver oils in the diffuser to calm myself down and to ground myself.

I decided to write this post before I go to work because writing is just a way of letting go of panic and depression. I will also write diary a little later. And I will have a longer meditation session with some chakra clearing exercise.

I have another long and tough work day ahead before I have a day off but I feel now that I can brave it and will not get back into panic-mode. And that is a huge achievement!

Sometimes you just have to accept that balance isn’t an option for some time. You have to forgive yourself and let the chaos go and then move on on your mindful journey.

How do you deal with a chaotic day out of balance? What are your recipes to get back into a calmer state of  mind?

 

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#poem at night: inner conflict

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August 2016

Blimey, this poem is 20 years old! Lately, I think a lot about the fact how long I am in this world and wonder if I have changed that much. My body certainly has. My mind? Not so much. My life has always been characterised by different inner conflicts. This poem describes some of them:

Inner conflict 14.01.1996

Expressing inner conflict.
How do you do that?
Denying the hidden child
with the existing adult.
Without killing the child?

Burying the feeling
of being alive
with a dead intellect.
Without losing life?

And

striking down the
developing poem
with necessary work.
Without letting go of the words?

Inner conflict
how do I
express it?

Your #SoCS

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Linda is giving you “your, you’re and yore” this week as prompt for our #SoCS post.

I am in no position to write a coherent post tonight to your information. 

I had a late shift and right now I am preoccupied by the “Bourne Ultimatum”. There is a moth bothering me. I asked it what ” yore” might mean but my connection to the universe and everything in it isn’t functioning enough yet to understand its answer. 

I should really be reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “Leaf Storm” as the Future Learn course I’ve chosen starts on Monday. What?! You’re not taking part??? Fair enough!

Me I should be reading two more books by then and I can’t make it but I will read Macondo anyway.

Tomorrow I’ll be going back into that madhouse that work is at the moment. Bankholiday. SomecBritish need to shop til they drop but I’m not goingbinto that now.

Where was I? And where are you? And where is that moth?????!