The Bee Writes… #amwriting diary 23.9.17

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Last week I was all into “rewriting my story“. This week I don’t feel it at all. You know, that motivation to consider myself a blogger, writer and reader who does her posts to her fullest potential and to read enough to do some more book reviews.

I have just finished my #mentalhealth diary post for yesterday afternoon where I tried out a couple of new things like doing my headlines with pictures via Buffer’s Pablo and using CoSchedule’s “Click to Tweet”. I have also written a post for Colleen’s Poetry Challenge and one to help men get help for their mental health.

I am a bit tired now. I feel like I did nothing even though I produced three nice posts but I remembered that I haven’t even started to write that story of the woman who gets over her past. How can I ever finish any unfinished projects this year?

Yea, I know, life happened. Stress at work, at home and my #mentalhealth going up and down doesn’t help. And that is exactly the point where I have given up previously. That is when that “story” kicks in that I am not good enough, that I do not have enough time and that it all is for nothing anyway.

Since last week I am telling myself: I am not giving in to those stories! Life, home and mental health will not stop me from blogging and writing those stories, posts and poems anymore. There must be a reason why I come back to my blog time and time again. It probably means that I actually have something to say.and that somewhere out there are people who need to hear what I have to say. I better stop moaning and get a grip on myself!

But I tried so many times before and I always gave up and went somewhere else. So what might be different now?

First of all, I have made my blogging home at the self-hosted “The Bee Writes…” blog. That’s where I stay, that’s where I put most of my previous content together and that is where I revisit my old posts and integrate them into a lovely place.

Secondly, I have signed up with Mailchimp many moons ago to create a newsletter and at last, have started the very same. The second one went out yesterday afternoon and you can find out more here. Or even sign up on the left where it says: The Bee Writes… Newsletter not only for Poets and Writers. I have planned to do updates on my blog and writing once a month so don’t worry about being spammed.

Thirdly I have developed something like a social media schedule. But more about that in another post later on. For now just this: I have discovered Crowdfire which is not only rather trendy but brilliant if you want to post your blog posts not only to Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and G+ but the image-loving Instagram and Pinterest too. Have a look at Crowdfire here.

And last but not least: My dreams have always come true! May it be to live in the UK, find my soul mate (yes, husband that’s you!!!!!) or publish a book. It has come true so this blog adventure will become a success in its own right too.

So, are there any writing plans for the coming week? Yes, I keep blogging, get at least the first of three parts of my love story written and write a couple of poems. Stay tuned to find out if I have managed :-).

And what about you? Are you troubled by self-doubt and how to do get over it?

 

The Opinionated Immigrant (1)

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Disclaimer: the characters and opinions in this post are only fictional. Any similarities to real people or opinions are entirely by accident.

I may or may not have heard the following conversation at work:

Two customers met in front of the bakery department in the supermarket I work in.

A rather tall man in his forties with short cropped blond hair. He had an accent which I could not properly place. I was thinking something Eastern European. The woman, however, was clearly German, tall too but not as tall as the man. Her dark blond hair was plaited and both hugged like they haven’t seen each other in ages.

The only reason I became aware of them was that she was talking rather loudly and her voice did grate a little on me. I hate broad German accents.

“Ah, Oleg, they haven’t sent you away yet?” She giggled and he answered laughing: “ No, dear Susi, apparently those letters were sent by accident!”
“Yea, right, the Foreign Office is trying it on, don’t you think? If they’d sent one to me I would have directly complained to the German embassy and would have written to any newspaper available. Their behaviour is a disgrace!”

“Don’t be so harsh. Mistakes happen. They are just human too!”
“You really think so? Once Britain is out of the European Union they can do what they want. Why do you think they don’t want the European court of justice to be responsible for us?”
“I don’t know! They want their power back maybe?”

“Oh please, don’t start with that! I know your country is into all that patriotic crap too but when will you see that it’s not immigrants or the European Union who cause the problems but international companies which don’t pay their taxes and greedy people in power who only want money? They are sitting in their golden towers rubbing their hands in glee as all of us small people rip each other’s throats out. As long as we concentrate on foreigners we are not getting to know the real culprits! Wake up man!”

“Oh come on, give me a break. Powerful people ain’t that bad! It’s not that easy to lead an international company and they have charities. They also do some good!”
“Ja, to safe taxes it certainly isn’t out of humanity! If they would pay their taxes most of the problems their charities supposedly try to solve would not exist! We live in pure capitalist times. Marx and Engels would have a heydey and you most of all should see through this! You learned it all from such a young age!”

“Da! Communism isn’t heaven. You haven’t lived in it!” “No I haven’t but that’s the same process: the powerful kept you glaring at the capitalist West and again fight the foreigners while the greedy top did their money making deals and deprived you even more of a fair life than the governments do now!”
“And you wonder why I am fairly OK with what is going on?”
“ Well, seeing it from that perspective…..”

I could not hear the rest as they were there walking away now.

The Bee Writes… a #haiku for Colleen’s Weekly #Poetry Challenge No. 51

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My try on the lovely Colleen’s poetry challenge no 51. Feel free to head over and have a try too!

For all Men who need to speak out and get help ~ #mentalhealth

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Find help here:

International ~ Helplines on Mental Health Support

UK ~ Helplines on NHS page

US ~ Helplines on Getselfhelp

Africa ~ Helplines at Sitawa Wafula

Australia ~ Helplines on Healthdirect

 

 

 

The Bee Writes… #mentalhealth Diary: Is it a Decision or a Miracle if you do not give into suicide?

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Last week I told you about my latest mental health trouble. Another anxiety attack that I did not need. But I made the best of it ;-).

As it happens I think a lot about my life lately. Memories pop up out of nowhere. It’s not like flashbacks which get me in a bad state. It’s more that they play a lot of songs from the 60s, 70s and 80s at work and besides that attack being a reminder that I am not doing the job I am supposed to do I think they bring anxieties back from way back when… So I let the feeling guide my memories and I remember people, situations and well songs I like. I have often written about the fact that music has always helped me through tough times so it does not surprise me that they might have an impact on my mood in the other direction as well.

But that’s not it either. It’s more like I take stock of where I come from and where I’m going to. I do that often and if you have followed my blogging for a while, you know that. However, I’ll be 47 in October and I can safely say that more than half of my life is over. So it’s ok to check in with myself and see where I am heading.

To be honest I think my life has so far been pretty amazing. From living in Berlin just after the wall came down to moving to Great Britain I have fulfilled a lot of my dreams. And that even though I suffer from depression certainly and PTSD probably since 30 years.

The latter wasn’t diagnosed until about 4 or five years ago but it explains a lot I never understood before. I was wondering though how I managed to get my education finished, moved around, worked and then even emigrated with all that unbearable pain inside of me.

I cannot remember a time without that pain. For those who do not know me well: I can hardly remember anything from the time before my mother passed away and what I remember feels more like the memories of someone else which was told to me.

I was nearly 13 when she passed away so that makes approximately 34 years of pain, anxiety, low self-esteem, continuous worry…. You get the gist.

It is a struggle to get up in the morning, meet people, do new or old things, just live! Noone who has not experienced this knows what it really means.

And believe me, I have been at that point a couple of times in my life. When I wonder about these things I always come back to the day of my mother’s funeral. So much chaos and desperation inside of me it still feels unbearable.

But on that day I think my life was decided. No, I think I took a decision about my life. I did not give up. I chose hope and not despair even though my feelings often tell me the opposite.

I really had nothing left and wanted to end it all but something inside of me did not let me. Something or someone inside of me told me to hold on tight and go for the ride of my life and to never ever give up. And that is what I have done. It’s not an easy decision to believe in something that just does not seem possible. But I believed that it will get better and eventually it did. I also believed that I am in power in my life with a mental health issue (no I wasn’t aware of it then) and not my mental health issue is in power over me and my life.

You can either believe your mental health has power over you or you can believe you have power over your mental health. Either way, it is difficult and you have to struggle to keep yourself afloat but if you can see yourself in power then there is hope. If you see your mental health in power there isn’t.

If you see yourself in power then you will go and find a way to make the unbearable pain inside of you somehow bearable. You will start again and again doing the things that you love to do even when your mental health went so bad you could not do anything. But you will not give up. You go to family, friends, doctors, therapists, spiritual healers…. for help and they will help you find the right way for you.

I wish I could tell you a way to get to that stage. As far as I can see for most people this decision happens subconsciously a little like out of nowhere. This week former Norwich Football Club Footballer Cedric Anselin told BBC East and to Norwich Evening News in 2012 about how he did not succumb to suicide but decided he needed to talk and needed help: He was going to hang himself in the attic but the light of his mobile shone in his eyes and that was when he decided to go and ask for help.

For me, it was a voice inside of me that said: “No! You do not give up! You will do what needs doing and you keep going! ”
It became a decision of mine when I listened to that voice. I had no idea how it could get better. I had no hope left and everything was unbearable but when I heard that voice I said to myself: “Ok, I have nothing to lose! I go for it!” I suspect it must have been similar for Mr Anselin.

However, I wonder why successful professionals like Chester Bennington or Kurt Cobain had to give into the other voice that says: “There is no hope!” I know that at least Chester Bennington has reached out to his family and to health professionals and he was open about his mental health problems and still it was not enough in the end.

So maybe I am wrong in believing I took a decision on how to see my life with a mental health issue? Maybe it is more a miracle?

I have wondered many times in my life what makes one survive and another succumb to that desperate voice inside oneself. And as I am remembering a lot lately about my life and where I am coming from that question has become important again.

What do you think? Do you take a decision or is it a miracle when you do not take your life?

Poetry Friday: Where is home?/Wo ist zu Hause?

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September 2017

A question I have asked many times since last years referendum. Here is my answer from April 2012:

Where is home?

soft hills

full of myth

and beauty

greeting me

 

hiding away

the pain

hiding away

the horror

 

hiding away

I have

a long time

surviving

 

tiny soul

has no home

never had!

September 2017

Diese Frage habe ich mir oft, seit dem Referendum letztes Jahre gestellt. Hier ist die Antwort, die ich im April 2012 gab:

Wo ist Heimat?

Sanfte Huegel

voller Mythen

und Schoenheit

gruessen mich

 

verstecken

den Schmerz

verstecken

den Horror

 

versteckt

hab ich mich

lange

ueberlegend

 

winzige Seele

ohne Heimat

nie eine gehabt!

 

 

Voice Recognition: 21 Poets for the 21st Century

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September 2017

This review was first posted in April 2012:

Voice Recognition: 21 Poets for the 21st CenturyVoice Recognition: 21 Poets for the 21st Century by James Byrne

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I still do not have a clue how to do a proper book review for a poetry book. If you want to do a sophisticated one you probably need to know about the use of language, about verses, rhymes ect. But well ~ even in school that kind of talk about poetry seemed to be a bit of a blabla to me.
For me poetry is like an explanation of life, it arouses emotions, it creates images in my mind, it responds to my experiences and if it is really good it makes me think and inspires me to write one as well.
Looking at “Voice Recognition ~ 21 poets for the 21ST century” from that point of view I found a lot of it.

The 21 poets, all born betweet 1977 & 1990, are the “new stars” of British poetry according to the editors James Byrne & Clare Pollard . You can find a great variety of forms from a ballad kind style of Siddharta Bose to free poetry which uses visual effects of Ahren Warner.
They talk about relationships, death, sex, immigration and the challenges one has to face growing up in ever faster changing world.
If you want to have a peek into one of the poets find your way to Adam O’Riordan’s page and poems.

This book is definitely worth reading and I think about buying it.
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Ich habe immer noch keine Ahnung, wie man eine Buchsprechung eines Lyrikbandes richtig macht. Wenn sie gebildet sein soll, muss man vermutlich etwas ueber den Gebrauch von Sprache, etwas ueber Verse, Reime ect wissen. Aber tja, sogar in der Schule schien mir diese Art von Annaeherung an Lyrik ein grosses BlaBla zu sein.

Lyrik is fuer mich eine Erklaerung des Lebens, sie erregt Gefuehle, zeichnet Bilder in meinem Geist und wenn sie wirklich gut ist bringt sie mich zum Denken und inspiriert mich, selber ein Gedicht zu schreiben. Wenn ich “Voice Recognition ~ 21 poets for the 21ST century” von diesem Standpunkt aus betrachte, finde ich eine Menge davon.

Die 21 Lyriker und Lyrikerinnen, die alle zwischen 1977 & 1990 geboren wurden, sind die “neuen Stars” des Britischen Gedichts. Das jedenfalls finden James Byrne & Clare Pollard die Herausgeber des Buches. Man findet eine grosse Vielfalt von Lyrik von den balladenhaften Gedichten des Siddharta Bose zum eher freien Stil, der mit visuellen Effekten arbeitet, von Ahren Warner.
Sie sprechen von Beziehungen, Tod, Sex, Einwanderung und den Herausforderungen, denen man gestellt ist, wenn man in einer sich immer schneller veraendernden Welt aufwaechst.

Falls Du einen kleinen Blick auf einen der Lyriker des Buches werfen moechtest, schaue einfach bei Adam O’Riordan’s Seite nach.

Dieses Buch ist es wert zu lesen und ich bin am ueberlegen, ob ich es mir nicht kaufen soll.

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I am a reader & a writer/ I bin eine Leserin und eine Schreiberin

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September 2017

In June I posted an entry called “Maybe I am a reader and not a writer“. Since then I have started blogging more intensively again and even have written new blog posts. I still try to figure out that balance of family, life, reading and blogging but I believe I can answer that question now: I am a reader and a blogger. The writer is just part of it:

March 2012

Lately I have been visiting Inspired Kathy’s Blog “I am reader not a writer” quite often. I love it because it has clear book reviews based on her thoughts and liking of a book. Nothing fancy written. She chose the name of her blog because she enjoys reading but not that much to write those fancy reviews.

Well, that name got stuck in my mind and popped up on a regular basis and so I gathered there is something in there to write for me:

I wrote it before that I have been getting my love for reading books back and I am writing some (very subjective) book reviews on this blog now.

The reason why I lost my love for reading for a while was, I tried/try to become a writer. Well, I guess I am one as I have always been writing diary, poems, letters, short stories, articles for little magazines ….. I just have not been published in a major way. That does not bother me a lot but I believe that the best way to learn how to write a novel is to read good ones and find out what you like about them.

And there it goes: I changed my reading habit from enjoying a good story, having a great time and being taken away to other worlds to examining characters, story lines, story worlds etc. I started to find more faults than enjoying a good story and in a way I gave up after a while.

Then I ended up on Goodreads and somehow I got that “enjoyment” of reading back and I just love it.  I found a balance between reading for joy and reading for learning and that is a great way of being a reader and a writer.

September 2017

Im Juni habe ich einen Beitrag veroeffentlicht, der “Maybe I am a reader and not a writer“heisst. Seither habe ich wieder angefangen mehr zu bloggen und habe sogar ein paar neue Beitraege geschrieben. Ich versuche aber immernoch die Balance von Familie, Leben, Lesen und Bloggen zu finden aber ich denke ich kann die Frage jetzt beantworten: Ich bin eine Leserin udn eine Bloggerin. Und Schreiberin ist ein Teil davon:

(Links in diesem Beitrag sind in englischer Sprache)

In letzter Zeit habe ich oft den Blog von Inspired Kathy (Inspirierte Kathy) besucht, der  “I am reader not a writer” (Ich bin eine Leserin keine Schreiberin) heisst. Ich liebe diesen Blog, da er klare Buchbesprechungen hat, die sich auf ihre Gedanken und ihre Vorlieben stuetzt und nichts extravagant Geschriebenes ist. Sie hat den Namen des Blogs so gewaehlt, da sie es liebt, zu lesen und nicht diese ausgefallene Buchbesprechungen zu schreiben.

Tja, dieser Titel kam mir andauernd in den Sinn und so habe ich mir gedacht, dass es da wohl etwas zu schreiben fuer mich gibt:

Ich habe es ja schon mal geschrieben, dass ich meine Liebe fuers Lesen in letzter Zeit wieder entdeckt habe und ich schreibe jetzt auch einige (sehr subjektive) Buchbesprechungen hier auf diesem Blog.

Der Grund warum ich meine Lust am Lesen verloren hatte, war eine Schreiberin zu werden. Tja, ich denke ich bin eine Schreiberin, da ich immer schon Tagebuch, Gedichte, Briefe, Kurzgeschichten, Artikel fuer kleine Magazine geschrieben habe. Ich bin nur noch nicht in grossem Stil veroeffentlicht worden. Das macht mir nicht wirklich etwas aus aber ich denke, man kann nur ein guter Autor werden, wenn man gute Geschichten liest, um herauszufinden, was man an ihnen mag.

Und so passierte es: Meine Lesegewohnheit hatte sich vom einfachen Geniesen eines guten Buches, von einer guten Zeit haben dabei und in andere Welten versetzt zu werden, zu Untersuchen von Charakteren, des Handlungstranges und des Settings gewandelt. Ich begann, mehr und mehr Fehler zu sehen anstatt eine gute Geschichte zu geniesen und irgendwann habe ich dann einfach aufgegeben.

Dann bin ich auf Goodreads gelandet und irgenwie habe ich das “Geniesen” am Lesen wiedergefunden. Und ich liebe es! Ich habe eine Balance zwischen den Geniesen und dem Untersuchen gefunden und ich denke, das ist eine grossartige Weise eine Leserin und eine Schreiberin zu sein.

Perfect Library Furniture/ Perfektes Buecherei Moebel

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Book desk is the perfect library furniture: / Der Buech Schalter

thanks for the video to  via http://www.youtube.com

Book review “If there be thorns”/ Buchbesprechung “Dornen des Gluecks”

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There is an affiliated link in this post with Wordery

September 2017

Uh, I loved this book. This entry was first posted in March 2012.

If There Be Thorns (Dollanganger, #3)If There Be Thorns by V.C. Andrews

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I stepped over this one by accident. It was displayed in the library and I just had the feeling I should read it. Not so sure if it was a good idea to read the 3. book in the series (Dollanganger) first though. Well I did not know it is a series ~ I did not look that far :-).

But I have never read a book so disturbing and so entertaining as this one. Well written, characters who you just want to know how they will fare and if they can have peace in the end and suspense like no other.

It is a dark book with secrets around every corner that 14 year old Jory will find out in the end. But where will the vivid imagination of his 9 year old brother Bart lead him?

If There be Thorns” is a book for lovers of horror books and I am sure I will read the whole series.

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Deutscher Titel “Dornen des Gluecks”

Ich bin aus Versehen ueber dieses Buch in der Buecherei gestolpert. Es war in einem der Regale ausgestellt und irgendwie hatte ich das Gefuehl ich muesste es lesen. Bin mir aber nicht sicher, ob es eine gute Idee war, das dritte Buch der Serie (Das Erbe von Foxworth Hall)zuerst zu lesen. Tja ich wusste nicht, dass es eine Serie ist ~ So weit hatte ich gar nicht geschaut.

Aber ich habe noch nie ein Buch gelesen, das so verstoerend und so unterhaltsam war. Gut geschrieben, Figuren, deren Schicksal man einfach wissen muss und man hofft sie werden am Ende etwas Frieden finden und grossartige Spannung.

Es ist ein dunkles Buch mit Geheimnissen um jede Ecke, die der 14 jaehrige Jory am Ende entdecken wird. Aber wohin wird die lebendige Fantasie seines 9 jaehrigen Bruders Bart ihn fuehren?

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