I am not my best friend right now. To tell the truth, I am probably my worst enemy.
It’s too much!
I never finish anything!
They hate me!
hover around my mind and I just can’t concentrate on meditating or breathing exercises.
My Mental Health got bad at Work last Thursday
It got so bad on Friday that I could not go to work because I was shaking, I could not breathe and I felt like there are only enemies out there who want to get me.
Of course, it did not help that I work for a big retailer in the UK, which is under great pressure to keep the prices down while all their expenses go up. Being short staffed is an understatement and the pressure is hard to bear for my colleagues without mental health problems but for us with depression, anxiety etc, it’s a pure horror.
I have been faring rather well in the last couple of months. We had hardly any staff last summer season (we are at the British seaside so are a so-called seasonal store with many more customers in summer) and none to speak of at Christmas but for most of the time, I was the calm itself just kept breathing and did one thing at a time. I just kept the worry out of my mind.
On Thursday though I seemed to have reached my limit. One minute I told my colleagues who had to help out at the checkouts not to worry we would manage everything somehow the next a wave of despair came over me and I started crying.
My line manager tried to calm me down and asked me to stay on which I did. Unfortunately, I heard her complaining about me in the hall when I was on the toilet and that gave me the rest. Any little strength I had left to fight the black dog or that chaos inside of me was gone by the time I went home.
Calling in sick is a nightmare for me
When we can’t come to work we have to speak to a senior manager and explain why we can’t come which for me is a total nightmare. They have to figure out what’s the problem and are often rather stressed themselves so they are pretty short on the phone. I also hate speaking on the phone.
Quite often I had the best husband (Jeremy Clarkson voice) in the world call them but on Friday I did it myself. I was short of a panic attack and could hardly say a word and just sank down on the sofa after it was finished.
My only security then was, that I am off for a week and had already contacted the Wellbeing service because something is up and I need some help. And our home is most certainly my castle!
So how do I become my best friend again?
In my experience, the only way is (
not Essex) to keep going. Last year I was lucky enough to take part in an online course of the Wellbeing Service called “Managing Worry” (they do not seem to offer that one anymore) which taught different tools to keep going.
One of which is: keep doing the things that you love and those you need to do. That just proved my experience. One thing I am doing when my mental health goes down and always have done is housework. Not sure why but I am mostly able to do the dishes, clean windows and cook or bake.
My mind is entirely frayed but there is something in me that tells me: You go and make yourself a cup of tea. Now you go and put the water in the sink and do the dishes. Now go and sit down and rest. Drink your tea. And since we have Shirks the greyhound living with us: Go and take her for a walk.
I cannot explain why but doing something tangible that shows a result directly gives me a little bit of self-esteem back. It also seems to shut up that negative voice inside of me that says that I am a total loser and always give up as soon as things get difficult.
So on Friday, I took the dog for a walk after the biggest panic left me. I also did the cooking and baked some cookies. I wrote diary and hugged the dog.
That shut the negative voice up a little. But I am in a phase where any little pressure or stress kicks me off and when the best husband (Jeremy Clarkson voice) in the world asked for help with a file on his phone I was not friendly as usual but rather short-handed.
“This too shall pass ” is a mantra I took from a course I did with Future Learn last year. It does. It will need a while until I can be fully calm again and face my workplace again but I’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt many times before.
Maybe I have been my best friend
Above I said I am not my best friend right now. Maybe that was a wrong judgment. Because I have taken good care of myself. I made myself buckets full of tea, have been creative and also kept the house in order and I believe that is what a best friend would do for you.
What do you do when life has got you down and you can’t be your best friend?
This post is part of “Love Is In Da Blog 2018” and is written for “ABC of Love ~ Prompt 3 ~ Best Friend ~ #LoveIsInDaBlog2018”
Fellow Bloggers Writing about self-love:
Nikki Meadows: Fear of Failure & Self-Love
Chiarra Lorren: Self Love and Cupcakes
Something to read about Self-Love:
(affiliate links with Wordery. I receive 5% commission on your purchase)
The 21-Day Self-Love Challenge: Learn How to Love Yourself Unconditionally, Cultivate Self-Worth, Self-Compassion and Confidence by 21 Day Challenges
The 21-Day Self-Love Challenge, the sixth book in the 21-Day Challenge series!
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When scientist David Hamilton realized that his own lack of self-love was sabotaging him in hundreds of subtle ways and more than a handful of major ways, he devised an experiment using himself as the guinea pig. For more than a year David studied the latest research into brain chemistry, neuroscience, and psychotherapeutic and personal development techniques. He realized that self-love was as much about biology as psychology – that self-worth is in our genes, but trained out of us. The biological drive to seek connection with others often leads us to try to be ‘someone else’ to win love and approval. But the brain can be reprogrammed, and David devised 27 powerful exercises that he tested on himself and presents in the book to help you…