I have written this blog post in July 2009. I was still with my ex-partner, and it was pretty clear that we are drifting apart fast. It was another four months until I met the best husband (Jeremy Clarkson voice) in the world and I was in a very bad place.
Blogging kept me alive. Literally.
This post was on my blog “Phoenixrisesagain” on another WordPress account, and I used that blog to look back on my life and find out what I had achieved so far.
I have combined most of my old blogs with this one and I am astonished to find that I have written about 4000 posts since 2009. That’s something. That’s something that I am proud of. And now I am sifting through them to see what still has some value and what has to go.
Please feel free to come on a journey with me into the past to find a future 🙂
I was 16. My life was a mess, but that’s what every artist says.
My mum died three years earlier, and I was left with my little brother and a not very caring father and an overbearing grandmother. I wasn’t over my mother’s death, and I wasn’t eating a lot. Nowadays you’d probably say I was anorexic. My only strength came from books, my friends and the church I was attending to. A very conservative one. I questioned their dogma but tried to live it as well. I wanted to belong. It didn’t work.
I can’t say why I wrote these words one day. I just felt like it and did it. Maybe it was the force, the life power or creative power however you want to call it. Of course, I wrote them in German and nowadays I am a bit embarrassed.
Kreuz – was ist das schon?
Zwei aufeinander gezimmerte Holzbalken
Und doch birgt es das Leben für mich.
Dieses grobe Etwas!
Nicht die schönen aus Silber und Gold,
die um viele Hälse baumeln.
Nicht die blumengeschmückten am Wegesrand.
Sondern das Kreuz auf Golgatha,
an dem ein
Unschuldiger für mich sein Blut vergoß!
Weiß’ ich denn, was dort geschah?
Nein – und doch bin ich gewiß!
Tief im Herzen steht es fest geschreiben. .
Es läßt sich nicht ausradieren.
Jesus starb’ für mich – so daß ich leben kann
Cross – what does it mean?
Two wooden beams timbered together
Even though it means life for me
This coarse thing!
Not the nice ones made of silver or gold
which hang around many necks.
Not the ones adorned with flowers at crossways
but the one on Golgotha,
on which an innocent man died for me!
Do I know what happened there?
No – but I am sure even though!
It’s carved in my heart.
No one can delete it
Jesus died for me – that i can live!
Today I know that the care of my grandmother and godmother helped me to survive too even though I wasn’t aware of it then.
That poem is where my writing journey started to go into another direction. Before I was an avid letter writer and diary writer. But from then on I discovered that there is so much more to writing.