Welcome to Mindful Monday a blogging event that has been created by Colleen over at Silverthreading but for a while is hosted here at “A Spirit of Healing”. Colleen follows her call to tell the fairies stories, so her blog follows other paths.
Therefore, I have stepped in as I believe Mindful Monday is important, and it is important to have it as a weekly feature. Thanks Colleen for letting me be the host for the time being!
Mindful Monday is a blog feature to support each other on our mindful and healthy journeys. It is not a challenge but a community of bloggers who post insightful posts on Mondays which make us think, change and hopefully act too.
Please feel free to leave your link to your Mindful Monday post in the comments, so the Mindful Monday community has the chance to head over to your place and give and get support.
I am looking forward to reading your insights for this week!
Sorry my dear readers, I am too exhausted fighting my demons to write a full post. I’ve given everything on Saturday for #SoCS so I let you all read it here again. Because if you are living a mindful lifestyle you do not run away from the dark tea-time of your soul. You head straight at it and let it’s strange beauty bloom.
A cycle is over. I have been fairly happy for some time but as soon as I felt the need of a blogging break I knew what was coming.
The long dark night of my soul.
It’s not as long as it used to be but it feels a lot more volatile. Literally more volatile.
I used to be depressed and anxious all the time. It started just after my mother passed away and I became a teenager. I fought a turmoil of feelings every night before I went to bed.
Crying, biting my hands or arms to not scream the pain and rage I was feeling out into the world. Every night for about 4 years. It still happened after that but not as often.
With an enormous amount of energy I built an armour around my feelings that let myself come across as cold at times.
I didn’t feel the pain or rage anymore but I couldn’t reach the happy places either. The only way to survive was becoming a human puppet that acted like everything was OK but nothing was.
Imagine the worst day and in your life. Imagine how you felt at that day. Then imagine you carry these feelings inside every day but never show them and get on with life like nothing has happened. Imagine how much energy you need to contain all those feelings.
That’s how I was when I met my husband. Then a miracle happened.
That armour broke bit by bit. Allowing myself to live the dream of going to Britain and after a volatile relationship at last finding the person I was waiting for all of my life cracked it open.
Writing about my experiences and therapy were me actively helping to break it down. After I experienced EMDR therapy most of that armour was gone.
And I had expected to be happy at last. I expected to lay that turmoil to rest and live, love and achieve more of my dreams.
What I didn’t expect was that that rage and turmoil stubbornly sticks to me like old chewing gum.
Don’t get me wrong: I am happy and that turmoil is quiet most of the time but it does raise it’s head every now and then just to remind me where I come from. It is not at rest yet.
I need to have a look at it. Feelings and situations that stubbornly crop up time and time again are meant to teach us something.
But as they are usually uncomfortable we prefer to look away. And when we look away they come back with a vengeance.
That turmoil comes back with a huge vengeance to me. I couldn’t look at it when I was a teenager but it has come back to haunt me. It demands it now that I can live and do not only survive anymore.
Can you see the irony???
It’s been a long journey since my mother passed away and I was crying every night for years.
If I am honest I haven’t done too bad. I managed a good education, got a degree, have always worked at least a little bit, have an amazing family, managed to immigrate and write. I have no alcohol or drug problem but you do have to pay a price for surviving.
You have to pay a price for not giving up on life and your fellow humans.
The price is that at one point you have to have a look at the long dark tea time of your soul and figure out where the silverlining is.
That my dear readers is a terrifying prospect. If you feel as deeply and passionately as I do the rage is enormous.
Its a dinosaur stomping at you in a small alley and there is no way out than facing it and fighting. Fighting to the death.
And I am not sure if I am ready for it. But my rage has thrown the gauntlet and its not going away.