A long dark tea time with #SoCS


Linda over at “Life in Progress” offered us “long” as prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday this week.

Please head over and find more weird, wonderful, thought provoking, happy, curious, silly and fine #SoCS posts in the comments.

A cycle is over. I have been fairly happy for some time but as soon as I felt the need of a blogging break I knew what was coming.

The long dark night of my soul.

It’s not as long as it used to be but it feels a lot more volatile. Literally more volatile.

I used to be depressed and anxious all the time. It started just after my mother passed away and I became a teenager. I fought a turmoil of feelings every night before I went to bed.

Crying, biting my hands or arms to not scream the pain and rage I was feeling out into the world. Every night for about 4 years. It still happened after that but not as often.

With an enormous amount of energy I built an armour around my feelings that let myself come across as cold at times.

I didn’t feel the pain or rage anymore but I couldn’t reach the happy places either. The only way to survive was becoming a human puppet that acted like everything was OK but nothing was.

Imagine the worst day and in your life. Imagine how you felt at that day. Then imagine you carry these feelings inside every day but never show them and get on with life like nothing has happened. Imagine how much energy you need to contain all those feelings.

That’s how I was when I met my husband. Then a miracle happened.

That armour broke bit by bit. Allowing myself to live the dream of going to Britain and after a volatile relationship at last finding the person I was waiting for all of my life cracked it open.

Writing about my experiences and therapy were me actively helping to break it down. After I experienced EMDR therapy most of that armour was gone.

And I had expected to be happy at last. I expected to lay that turmoil to rest and live, love and achieve more of my dreams.

What I didn’t expect was that that rage and turmoil stubbornly sticks to me like old chewing gum.

Don’t get me wrong: I am happy and that turmoil is quiet most of the time but it does raise it’s head every now and then just to remind me where I come from. It is not at rest yet.

I need to have a look at it. Feelings and situations that stubbornly crop up time and time again are meant to teach us something. 

But as they are usually uncomfortable we prefer to look away. And when we look away they come back with a vengeance. 

That turmoil comes back with a huge vengeance to me. I couldn’t look at it when I was a teenager but it has come back to haunt me. It demands it now that I can live and do not only survive anymore.

Can you see the irony???

It’s been a long journey since my mother passed away and I was crying every night for years. 

If I am honest I haven’t done too bad. I managed a good education, got a degree, have always worked at least a little bit, have an amazing family, managed to immigrate and write. I have no alcohol or drug problem but you do have to pay a price for surviving. 

You have to pay a price for not giving up on life and your fellow humans. 

The price is that at one point you have to have a look at the long dark tea time of your soul and figure out where the silverlining is.

That my dear readers is a terrifying prospect. If you feel as deeply and passionately as I do the rage is enormous. 

Its a dinosaur stomping at you in a small alley and there is no way out than facing it and fighting. Fighting to the death.

And I am not sure if I am ready for it. But my rage has thrown the gauntlet and its not going away.



Please also visit my posts about mental health and healing at “A Spirit of Healing.”


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18 thoughts on “A long dark tea time with #SoCS

  1. I can identify with so much of this. I didn’t lose my dad as a teenager, it was only three years ago, but the manner of his passing and all the turmoil it unleashed, in the midst of other tough life events before and after – it’s shaken my world. It sounds like you have wonderful support, and that can make all the difference. I wish you so very many good wishes.

  2. Life is such a struggle sometimes Bee, and just when you think you are getting the hang of it.. something comes along to mix it all up again. I am glad that you have the support of a wonderful husband and I wish you well. 🙂

  3. Powerful post. I really liked this, “You have to pay a price for not giving up on life…” I agree. Some of that price is accepting that pain stays with you always.
    But I especially loved that your husband was a miracle who brought you out of darker times, because love is the opposite of fear.

  4. The dinosaurs of the past tend to come back strongest when we are ready. The good thing is that we don’t have to deal with them all at once, just one step at a time. Another good thing is that you have gathered support around you though therapy and family. I wish for you more and more moments of peace and joy as you continue on this healing path of courage.

  5. Your awareness of what you’re going through is … I struggle to find a word. Enormous comes to mind. So much to carry around. Perhaps the silver lining will be just the knowledge that you don’t have to carry around your rage.
    In my own experience, being busy, being responsible, is the best thing for putting away pain. I haven’t had the chance yet to stop being busy. When I do think of my regrets, i try to let them go, a trickle at a time.
    Best wishes to you, my friend. I hope that the dealing with this strengthens you.

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